Randomly discussing depression
When I was recovering from generalised anxiety I struggled to know what normal anxiety was. Anxiety is a part of life it is an evolutionary response to danger, so you know it's normal to experience it slightly. I dealt with the anxiety myself, I didn't see anyone for therapy or CBT, but when I did go to the doctors their diagnosis was generalised anxiety and depression.
I have dealt with the generalised anxiety in that I no longer live my life in fear, I don't get into my car heart racing at the prospect of overtaking a cyclist. I can walk around the office without feeling I have to avoid everyone. I can phone people to change my address without having a breakdown. I still have a long way to go in expanding my comfort zone, and dealing with the social anxiety side of life but ultimately I am still recovered from the bane of my life.
My problem now is I have no idea whether I actually dealt with the depression. It was easy to understand depression when I had anxiety. Depression was all the crap I was feeling or thinking when not on high alert. It was the reason I never thought anything good about myself.
But do I have it now?
I know I am inherently lazy, but are the things I am beating myself up over at the moment my personality or is it depression?
I don't want to get out of bed on a morning. I don't care first thing on a morning. Me not being able to get up on a morning was depression, but now I cant get out of bed before 8:45 am and I can't break the habit. I want to be in work at 8:45 am :/ It means I'm scared of applying for a job with no flexi time. Or simply a different team that has 9am meetings. It also means I struggle to get my hours done at work.
I spend too many days or hours at home sitting there doing nothing, from the outside looking in I appear to be staring into space. Inside I'm just daydreaming the same daydream I have been daydreaming for the last two months. Procrastination on another scale.
I have no sense of urgency so things don't get done.
I don't feel emotions as intensely as when I had anxiety (not sure if this is a problem or not).
I have no attention span (unless my attention is on actively daydreaming).
I get caught up in my head about how I'm not the person I want to be.
I use sarcasm as a defence mechanism which means I struggle to take serious issues seriously.
I haven't any hobbies because I have no commitment to anything. Not even a daily routine of what time I do anything.
I have regained zero motivation since recovering from generalised anxiety. I don't know how to get it back. It is the main root of my problems.
One things for sure me beating myself up about these things is making me very vulnerable to being proper ill with depression.
It is also putting my job at risk as I no longer feel I am bringing value, I feel I am displaying behaviours that I should be told off for, I'm constantly struggling to care to focus my attention on doing anything. But if I move jobs I don't think the issues will go away because I see the same problems at home.
The only person who can ultimately drive myself is me. So hopefully I am going to cut one issue out of the pit this week. I have put in meetings everyday for 9am in the hope that I can turn up to at least one of them. I have a consequence (financial -1p for every minute I'm late) which I have socialised with my work colleagues.
I have also bought two self help books which explain stuff I already know but in amusing ways. I have how to be a productivity ninja by Graham Allcott (thank you for introducing me to attention management as a concept) and Prof Steve Peters The mind management programme for confidence success and happiness.
But ultimately I don't understand how to get my motivation back. Without anxiety I don't have constant terror trying to make me do things which I may not succeed at but are still trying to do. I don't know how to care first thing on a morning. I don't know how to articulate the fact I have an issue to anyone.
Which is why I'm randomly putting this on a blog that I don't socialise to anyone...
When I was recovering from generalised anxiety I struggled to know what normal anxiety was. Anxiety is a part of life it is an evolutionary response to danger, so you know it's normal to experience it slightly. I dealt with the anxiety myself, I didn't see anyone for therapy or CBT, but when I did go to the doctors their diagnosis was generalised anxiety and depression.
I have dealt with the generalised anxiety in that I no longer live my life in fear, I don't get into my car heart racing at the prospect of overtaking a cyclist. I can walk around the office without feeling I have to avoid everyone. I can phone people to change my address without having a breakdown. I still have a long way to go in expanding my comfort zone, and dealing with the social anxiety side of life but ultimately I am still recovered from the bane of my life.
My problem now is I have no idea whether I actually dealt with the depression. It was easy to understand depression when I had anxiety. Depression was all the crap I was feeling or thinking when not on high alert. It was the reason I never thought anything good about myself.
But do I have it now?
I know I am inherently lazy, but are the things I am beating myself up over at the moment my personality or is it depression?
I don't want to get out of bed on a morning. I don't care first thing on a morning. Me not being able to get up on a morning was depression, but now I cant get out of bed before 8:45 am and I can't break the habit. I want to be in work at 8:45 am :/ It means I'm scared of applying for a job with no flexi time. Or simply a different team that has 9am meetings. It also means I struggle to get my hours done at work.
I spend too many days or hours at home sitting there doing nothing, from the outside looking in I appear to be staring into space. Inside I'm just daydreaming the same daydream I have been daydreaming for the last two months. Procrastination on another scale.
I have no sense of urgency so things don't get done.
I don't feel emotions as intensely as when I had anxiety (not sure if this is a problem or not).
I have no attention span (unless my attention is on actively daydreaming).
I get caught up in my head about how I'm not the person I want to be.
I use sarcasm as a defence mechanism which means I struggle to take serious issues seriously.
I haven't any hobbies because I have no commitment to anything. Not even a daily routine of what time I do anything.
I have regained zero motivation since recovering from generalised anxiety. I don't know how to get it back. It is the main root of my problems.
One things for sure me beating myself up about these things is making me very vulnerable to being proper ill with depression.
It is also putting my job at risk as I no longer feel I am bringing value, I feel I am displaying behaviours that I should be told off for, I'm constantly struggling to care to focus my attention on doing anything. But if I move jobs I don't think the issues will go away because I see the same problems at home.
The only person who can ultimately drive myself is me. So hopefully I am going to cut one issue out of the pit this week. I have put in meetings everyday for 9am in the hope that I can turn up to at least one of them. I have a consequence (financial -1p for every minute I'm late) which I have socialised with my work colleagues.
I have also bought two self help books which explain stuff I already know but in amusing ways. I have how to be a productivity ninja by Graham Allcott (thank you for introducing me to attention management as a concept) and Prof Steve Peters The mind management programme for confidence success and happiness.
But ultimately I don't understand how to get my motivation back. Without anxiety I don't have constant terror trying to make me do things which I may not succeed at but are still trying to do. I don't know how to care first thing on a morning. I don't know how to articulate the fact I have an issue to anyone.
Which is why I'm randomly putting this on a blog that I don't socialise to anyone...
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